You’ve no doubt experienced and likely complained of “first world problems”. I have them so often now I’ve almost forgotten what a non-FWP looks like. Can’t decide between sushi and rice paper rolls for lunch? Need to go to your friend’s wedding in Bali and your cousin’s birthday in Noosa on the same weekend? Have too many brands of organic milk to choose from? Feeling guilty about illegally downloading eps of Orange is the New Black? Yep, FWP.
But now there’s a new breed of problem out there, looming large in the streets of Melbourne, Sydney and even Adelaide, afflicting far too many. I’m even one of the afflicted on occasion. This plague is more specific, more brutal, and just more damn scary than the FWP. Scientists are unsure why, but rates of affliction are particularly high in certain suburbs, with the problem reaching epic proportions in the Melbourne suburbs of Fitzroy, Brunswick, Kensington, North Melbourne and, increasingly, Footscray. Be alert and alarmed. But act like you don’t really care. We are now facing the growth of the hipster world problem, or “HWP”.
Don’t laugh, this is serious! There are hipsters (and a tiny bit hipster slash confused yuppies like myself…) suffering HWPs every hour of every single day. If you’re a hipster or know someone who might be, then no doubt they are suffering with HWPs. To help you, and them, out, here’s the top twenty HWPs I’ve seen (or possibly imagined) in North Melbourne. Be afraid hipsters, be very afraid:
1. Your favourite hole-in-the-wall cafe gets a write-up in The Age. People from Toorak now go there on weekends. Sigh.
2. Your mother gives you a jumper for your birthday that both fits snugly and lacks any holes whatsoever. Also, it is lolly pink or cream.
3. You sell your soul and get a corporate job, which means you can now afford to replace your milk crates with chairs.
4. You are discovered at a non hipster locale, such as at Coles buying non-organic non-soy toilet paper, eating Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream at Chadstone or sunbaking anywhere on a beach. So unoriginal.
5. You develop an allergy to beards.
6. You develop an allergy to coffee.
7. Someone gives you a non-hipster-friendly Christmas present of a Red Balloon speed sport voucher (can you spell mainstream?) and half way through the experience you realise how unsuitable yoga pants, oversized glasses and a natty beret are for jet boating on Sydney harbour.
8. You’re on Sydney Harbour. Like, ever.
9. Your beloved decides to send red roses/a teddy/chocolates/lingerie to your work on Valentine’s Day in an uncharacteristic display of mainstreamedness. Your boss, who wears crocs, thinks it’s cute.
10. Your Frankie magazine gets stolen by your housemate who uses it to line their hermit crabs’ tank. Yep, hermit crabs are back in. They’re so uncool they’re cool, right?
11. While reading Eat Pray Love in a completely ironic way you start to really like it.
12. Your preferred micro brewed beer becomes available on tap and all the College douche-bags from Melbourne Uni start drinking it.
13. You get a haircut that turns out looking like Jennifer Aniston’s circa 2000 (or 2013, ‘cause that woman’s hair seriously never changes).
14. The giant papier-mâché pirate ship you constructed with your housemates and put in your neighbour’s front lawn gets rained on. Now it just looks like a dog vomited up a phone book. Do people still use phone books? You are totally going to bring them back, anyway…
15. You run out of clean checked flannelette shirts. You run out of dirty checked flannelette shirts.
16. You forget to rinse your quinoa before cooking it and get that nasty bitter aftertaste which is most likely from non Fair Trade dirt particles.
17. You rock up too late for the independent Spanish film festival film you were planning to see and have to watch Last Vegas instead.
18. A nasty Chlamydia infection works its way through your Theatre sports team/ Zine store employees / ironic book club / apple pressing collective.
19. You have so much political election mail left over in your garage that you decide to build a small fort with it. For a short time the fort is so awesome that you eschew your bed and sleep inside it, until you realise Christopher Pyne and Joe Hockey are staring at you from the left hand wall of the fort.
And yes, this is finishing on number 19, because 20 is a round and conformist number. And I’m not going to add yet another HWP (having your name forever attached to accidental-lame-numerical-conformity) to my increasingly long list.